This morning I read a devotional, like I do most mornings. But it hit me in a unique way. It was about someone who had gone through tremendous loss and got on their knees before God and prayed, “I will not hide, I will continue to live my life as you lead.”
I will not hide. I. will. not. hide.
I was struck with the amount of loss so many have experienced over these past two years.
Covid.
I have lost much. You have lost much. We all have.
In the beginning of the pandemic, I fought hard, was vocal with many things I felt were deceiving people. My heart broke over the chaos and confusion. I lost friends and relatives. Misunderstandings developed, distrust, pain, hurt.
The rifts that resulted were larger than the prescribed 6ft. of distance. Sadly, many of those relationships still lie buried 6 ft underground. I still believe in resurrections of things that were once dead.
But my heart. It hurt. So I backed up quietly and shut the door.
My dreams, so many…fell silent.
As I peek out at the world around me and hear the latest news, I want to quickly retreat. To hide away and yell, “wake me when it’s over!”
But God.
It’s not good for a heart to beat at 50% capacity. It doesn't oxygenate the body well and cells begin to die. I needed air.
So here I am.
Daring to breathe again. Daring to use my voice again. To rise from the ashes and step forward.
No longer will I hide. I am not sure what that looks like, but I know that He is faithful.
I am learning to believe I am loved. The more I believe that, the easier it is to love those around me. I am abiding, I am in the branch. The fruit will come in time.
I watch my two little fruit trees in the backyard. They have been planted for two years and have not produced any fruit. Their leaves are green, I water and fertilize them often. It should be anyday. As much as I want to rush that fruit, I know I can’t. I must wait.
I will wait , but I will not hide. Let the sun shine, let the rain fall, let the wind blow away the things that clutter my life and may the fire burn within me for the things that matter most.